If you’ve been following along as I share my story of postpartum depression, you will have already read the first three parts. Thank you for allowing me to share this journey with you. If you haven’t had a chance to read the earlier parts of the story, you can catch up by reading Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 before reading today’s post. Maya Angelou was quoted saying “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” I share this with you all because there’s liberty in sharing, there’s strength in opening up and there’s bravery that continues to build up with each word I type. 

I Have Postpartum Depression

It was the day of my appointment with the doctor. I was an absolute mess. My husband had the day off and got the children ready for the day while I laid in bed. I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to go. And not because I feared the truth, but because how would I even explain what I was feeling? Where would I even start? I was such an emotional wreck coupled with severe exhaustion, the very thought of even speaking to another person about this exhausted me. 

I was able to muster up enough energy to at least have a shower. This was huge. A shower meant a small victory. It meant that I could still take care of myself and it was a step towards getting out of the house. 

I share this with you all because there’s liberty in sharing, there’s strength in opening up and there’s bravery that continues to build up with each word I type. 

After my shower, I threw on a pair of yoga pants and a sweater and I left the house, very much in a zombie-like state. If you know me, you know that I very rarely leave the house without my hair and make-up done. While there are many times I will have my hair in that oh-so-glamorous “mom bun”, it still is “done” and I’ve found a way to style it so I at least look somewhat put together. But not that morning. That morning I did something I honestly don’t think I have ever done in my life. I left the house without even brushing my wet hair. WHAT?! Zombie. Didn’t care. Too tired. No make-up, wet, tangled hair. But I went. That was huge.

I really had no idea what to expect and was honestly somewhat nervous to talk to my doctor about it all. While he was nice, he wasn’t that much older then I was and besides seeing him a few times over the previous year to give my kids their various vaccinations, I hadn’t really known him that long or well. So the idea of opening up to him about my deepest, darkest mental state was a bit unnerving. 

Postpartum depression

Well luckily for me he knew why I was coming in and he had his questions already prepared. Actually, it was clear that he was just reading questions from a sheet on his iPad, but that didn’t bother me. As long as he did most of the talking and I just sat, tearfully and quietly responding, I could handle that. I can remember just a constant stream of tears running down my cheeks with each passing question. There was one moment, I remember, where I became incredibly aware of what was happening and what a serious mess I was. It was a brief moment of embarrassment, but then the fog settled back in and I no longer cared again.

There was one moment, I remember, where I became incredibly aware of what was happening and what a serious mess I was. It was a brief moment of embarrassment, but then the fog settled back in and I no longer cared again.

After about 20 minutes of questioning and talking through everything, he looked at me and said, “Christine, I am diagnosing you with moderate to severe postpartum depression, anxiety disorder and adjustment disorder.” Excuse me, what did you just say? You mean I have OTHER problems besides PPD that I now have to deal with? What on earth is adjustment disorder? Wow…I am seriously messed up, aren’t I? I came here thinking I had one major problem to deal with and now I’m leaving with THREE?!

You see the previous year had brought many challenges including job loss, moving to a new city, transitioning to a full time stay-at-home mom, getting pregnant with our 3rd and then both he (the baby) and I dealing with sickness, my oldest heading into Junior Kindergarten, etc. It was all just too much for me to handle anymore. And eventually all this anxiety and stress finally manifested itself through postpartum depression. Not only was I struggling more then anyone really knew, I was struggling more then I was even aware of. 

I can remember just staring at the doctor expressionless. Like was this really happening to ME? When did I become THIS person? When did all this emotional and mental turmoil turn into THIS? How did I allow myself to get this THIS point? How on earth do I get back to ME? Questions just kept swirling through my mind as the doctor started talking about my options:

1. You need a community of family and friends around you.
2. You should see a counsellor to start talking this through.
3. You should take medication before this gets any worse.

What would you like to do, Christine?

More to come: treatment | living with PPD | new perspectives

Thank you so much for following along with this journey. This is hard for me to be so vulnerable, especially to a somewhat unknown audience. My hope and prayer in sharing this personal journey with postpartum depression is that someone, even just one person, will know that they aren’t alone. That the stigma of PPD can start to be lifted as we realize so many mommy’s (and sometimes daddy’s) struggle with this very-real, very-frightening illness. That there is nothing to be ashamed of and to seek the appropriate help, at the right time. I pray you will find solace in knowing and reading someone else’s struggle with this. 

Love & Blessings,

CMartin-Sign

 

 

 

* Stock images used

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42 Comments on I Have Postpartum Depression: My Journey With Postpartum Depression {Part 4}

  1. Kristina
    May 27, 2015 at 8:12 am (2 years ago)

    Thank you for sharing this story! I suffered this winter with some PPD. I had a fantastic first few months after my son was born. It got hard for me when he was about 8 months. Right after my son’s 1st birthday I was hit with it. The entire world seemed to collapse. My marriage, my job suffered greatly. I’m still working through it so I appreciate you sharing!

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 28, 2015 at 10:18 am (2 years ago)

      Know you aren’t alone Kristina. I hope you were able to find some treatment to help cope with it! xox

      Reply
  2. Alanna @ Alanna & Company
    May 27, 2015 at 8:39 am (2 years ago)

    I am super proud of you to be able to share this story and your journey. I KNOW you will help others and your courage inspires me!

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 28, 2015 at 10:15 am (2 years ago)

      Thank you so much Alanna! xox

      Reply
  3. Émilie
    May 27, 2015 at 8:43 am (2 years ago)

    Thank you for sharing. I’m not a mom yet but I’m happy to see that women like you are ready to open up about this issue. Have a good day 🙂

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 28, 2015 at 10:25 am (2 years ago)

      My pleasure Emilie! Thanks for stopping by! xox

      Reply
  4. Aubrey
    May 27, 2015 at 9:13 am (2 years ago)

    Thanks for sharing something so personal. I’m sure it’s helping others in the same situation. It’s so common. It not always talked about.

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 28, 2015 at 10:25 am (2 years ago)

      Thanks Aubrey for the support! xox

      Reply
  5. Amanda Marie
    May 27, 2015 at 9:53 am (2 years ago)

    Wow! Great post! This is such a real and raw story of real life! You are a brave and wonderful woman! I am glad that there is a place for you to open up and talk about what you are going through! Often times we feel as tho we are the only ones suffering through things or that we are weak for it, we are not alone and we are not weak! We are strong woman who are in a constant battle! I am glad to read this post and look forward to reading more! And thank you for being brave and sharing your journey for others to over come! ~Amanda Marie~

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 28, 2015 at 10:24 am (2 years ago)

      Thank you for your encouragement and support Amanda Marie! I think we really help build each other up when we realize we aren’t all that different in our struggles. I think it’s important to share and be real! Thanks for reading along! xox

      Reply
  6. Elna
    May 27, 2015 at 9:56 am (2 years ago)

    Christine,
    Thanks for sharing your personal journey with PPD.

    I always had bouts of depression in my early 20’s. I was on anti depressants for most of my 20’s as well.

    When I wanted to start a family I transitioned off of them and cut out all my junk food habits of carbs and sugar.

    This helped alleviate a lot of my symptoms. I got pregnant with twins and we ending up moving closer to family. They are almost 2.5 years old.

    Life is tough. I often feel other moms aren’t going through what I’m going through. Waking up is hard for me, doing chores all day, doing client work when they nap or go down for bed and more cleaning.

    I have a strong family support, but unable to form good relationships with other moms yet.

    Thanks again for sharing your story.
    Elna

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 28, 2015 at 10:12 am (2 years ago)

      I think more moms are in the same boat as you are and you don’t realize it. That’s why I want to share this…because I think more moms can relate then I even think. I’m glad to hear you are close to family and getting that support. That’s huge. xox

      Reply
  7. Maggie
    May 27, 2015 at 10:35 am (2 years ago)

    Thanks for sharing. Women need to hear how prevalent post-partum depression is and when to get help.

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 28, 2015 at 10:12 am (2 years ago)

      My pleasure Maggie. Absolutely, that’s why I share! xox

      Reply
  8. Caroline
    May 27, 2015 at 10:41 am (2 years ago)

    I so appreciate you sharing this and your complete honesty! This post is going to help and encourage so many!

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 28, 2015 at 10:12 am (2 years ago)

      Thanks Caroline! xox

      Reply
  9. Romina B
    May 27, 2015 at 10:47 am (2 years ago)

    Thank you for sharing this personal post. I don’t have kids, so I can’t relate as a mom but I like your words and your writing.I’m glad I found you through facebook groups. Feel free to check out and comment on my blog as well. Keep posting!

    -Romina @ http://www.dietyogaenergy.com

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 28, 2015 at 10:13 am (2 years ago)

      Thanks Romina! xox

      Reply
  10. Dana
    May 27, 2015 at 11:29 am (2 years ago)

    Thank you for sharing your journey. In some ways I am sure it is hard to open up about your PPD, but as you mentioned in the beginning of the post – it has to be liberating at the same time. I look forward to your next post.

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 28, 2015 at 10:13 am (2 years ago)

      Thanks Dana. It is hard cause I kinda have to go back and relive it all. But I know it’s worth it! xox

      Reply
  11. Justine Y @ Little Dove Creations
    May 27, 2015 at 12:43 pm (2 years ago)

    Beautifully written, thank you for sharing Christine. I think it’s so wonderful that you’re able to open up about this and put your story out there where it can hopefully help others.

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 28, 2015 at 10:14 am (2 years ago)

      Thank you Justine. Appreciate your support and encouragement! xox

      Reply
  12. Tricia McKenley
    May 27, 2015 at 1:43 pm (2 years ago)

    Thank you once again for sharing you’re real life struggle & journey with us. I know it’s definitely helping others out.

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 28, 2015 at 10:14 am (2 years ago)

      Thanks Tricia! xox

      Reply
  13. Ruthie
    May 27, 2015 at 2:42 pm (2 years ago)

    Thank you so much for sharing. I was worried I would have PPD after my little one because I have a history of OCD and depression. I didn’t…although it may still happen with future kids. Thank you for being so real. I have a friend that has struggled with PPD and I will be sharing this with her for sure!

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 28, 2015 at 10:14 am (2 years ago)

      My pleasure Ruthie. Thank you for sharing with your friend. I hope she can find some comfort in it! xox

      Reply
  14. Brooke Knipp
    May 27, 2015 at 4:29 pm (2 years ago)

    I just want to give the you-sitting-in-the-doctor’s-office self a big hug. So glad you’re on the other side of such a hard time. 🙂 Hugs for that, too!

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 28, 2015 at 10:23 am (2 years ago)

      Awe thanks Brooke! xox

      Reply
  15. Cristi
    May 27, 2015 at 6:38 pm (2 years ago)

    Thanks for sharing Christine! I’m glad to hear you sought help! Best wishes to you!

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 28, 2015 at 10:15 am (2 years ago)

      Thank you Cristi! xox

      Reply
  16. Chelsea
    May 28, 2015 at 12:00 pm (2 years ago)

    I think it’s so brave of you to share your journey with all of us. Best of luck and praying for you!

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 29, 2015 at 9:21 am (2 years ago)

      Thanks love! xox

      Reply
  17. Aerin Leigh
    May 28, 2015 at 12:44 pm (2 years ago)

    Hi, Christine. Thanks for sharing and enlightening. As a mom of a daughter who experienced PPD, my heart goes out to you. I did not know about my daughter’s journey until after the fact, but I knew something was very wrong. Like you, she is brave in telling Her story . . . If you have not already, you can connect with her at http://www.littlemountainmomma.com

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 29, 2015 at 9:21 am (2 years ago)

      Thanks Aerin! I will check it out! xox

      Reply
  18. leighann
    May 28, 2015 at 3:29 pm (2 years ago)

    Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I know it will help so many.

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 29, 2015 at 9:21 am (2 years ago)

      My pleasure! xox

      Reply
  19. Holly Housewife
    May 28, 2015 at 9:24 pm (2 years ago)

    so brave of you to share! I have anxiety (it’s kind of what led me to me to start a blog!) and it’s so hard to describe how I’m feeling. I hate having to tell the doctor let alone the internet world but I’ve learned it helps to let others in and you are helping others in the process. Keep sharing your story I will be returning for the next chapter 🙂

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 29, 2015 at 9:23 am (2 years ago)

      Well, I’m cheering you on too girl! We got this! Thanks for reading along! xox

      Reply
  20. jessica
    May 29, 2015 at 11:40 am (2 years ago)

    Thank you for sharing. I can totally relate. When I was pregnant with my son I suffered from PPD and adjustment depression and it is something that is still kind of on going. I remember when the doctor diagnosed me, I literally tuned him out because I was so embarrassed. Crazy thing is I knew I was depressed, I just did not want to believe it. I remember feeling afraid that my son was going to hate me when he was born, because I was so unhappy when I was pregnant. Looking back, I feel sorry for my girls. I barely did anything with them…I did not even really take any pictures of them during the height of my depression. I feel so blessed that I had my mother and my sister there to help tend to my girls and give them the attention I could not. There was just so much going on…I was stressed to the bone. I never knew someone could be so sad until that sad person was me. All things are better now, I am so grateful for that.

    Reply
    • Christine
      May 29, 2015 at 9:29 pm (2 years ago)

      Wow. That’s crazy Jess. Have you blogged about that journey? I’d love to read more about it. I actually didn’t know you could go through that WHILE pregnant. Glad you had that support though..and glad you are doing better! We have lots in common girl! xox

      Reply
  21. Agy
    June 2, 2015 at 9:45 pm (2 years ago)

    Thank you for this post. It’s important to have support from family and friends, but sometimes I find getting the support from outside this circle is the best. I find the ones closer to you can hurt you – my close family are the total opposite of me – they are very strong in character, and when I had PPD, the immediately dismissed it saying that it couldn’t happen to anyone in the family. 🙁

    Reply
    • Christine
      June 4, 2015 at 9:26 am (2 years ago)

      Awe, I’m so sorry to hear that Agy. Sometimes it is hardest with our family because they know us so well. My family didn’t understand it fully but were still supportive through it. I’m glad to hear you have found support elsewhere. Thanks for reading along! xox

      Reply

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