It’s crazy to believe that are already a full week into 2020! I have vivid memories from the year 2000, at the turn of the millennium, where I was and what I was doing – and that honestly feels like it was just a couple of years ago – not 20! It’s almost unfathomable how fast the years are moving and that we now find ourselves in the year 2020!
Every year, like many other people, I like to set goals, areas of focus and a word that I want to be at the forefront of my mind throughout my everyday life. While I’m not one who sets New Years resolutions, I do think it’s good at the start of each new year to reflect back on the previous year – what worked and what didn’t – and the changes you’d like to make going forward to make the next year even better. Because life is about growing, I think it’s important that we get intentional with things we want to see come to pass in our lives or areas we know we could stand to work on to not only better ourselves but those in our lives.
While I feel like I’ve said this at the start of every year, 2019 was a challenging year for myself and my family. We faced lots of struggles, many of which we kept private. While business boomed and we travelled to exotic places like Turks & Caicos, I’d say looking back on 2019, I remember a lot of loss. I shared about how many husband lost his job unexpectedly. And because of the job that he had – a pastor – when he lost the job, it felt as though we lost a community of friends around us. It might be hard for those not in churches to understand, but church really does bring about a sense of community and often times, when you leave that church, the community is lost as well. There might be a few friends that stick around, but from our experience, most of those friendship slowly die off as the months go by when we are no longer seeing each other regularly.
And that’s just as it happened for us – people that we had in our home on a weekly basis, people we travelled with, people we considered family – eventually, they just fell away. It was devastating, especially for our kids. They are now at an age where they are building friendships too and so when they no longer get to see their friends because the parents are no longer hanging out, they start to ask questions. Unfortunately in many of these situations, we didn’t have answers as to why things happened the way they did.
This is unfortunately how a lot of 2019 went for us – close friends falling away for one reason or another – some newer friends, some friends who felt like family and some lifelong friends. I didn’t talk about this publicly at all because honestly, it was just too painful to admit out loud. It happened so many times that by the Fall, I had to sit and laugh about it all – which quickly dissolved into weeping over broken friendships – but like seriously, you start to really feel unlovable and like something is really wrong with you that people just want to keep splitting.
The effects of all of this were incredibly difficult on all of us.
I spent A LOT of money on therapy.
I cried A LOT of tears.
I gained A LOT of weight.
I had to DOUBLE my depression medications.
Chris and I were always at each other’s throats.
We yelled at the kids A LOT.
I stopped going to church.
I stopped hanging out with most people.
Phew…that was hard to write all of that down. I haven’t admitted that out loud to most people, but that’s the honest truth people. Just because people can look like they have it all together on the outside doesn’t mean anything. EVERYONE is struggling in some way or another. We have no CLUE what people are walking through. It’s such an interesting time in society where we are the most connected we’ve ever been and yet we know less and less about each other’s REAL struggles because everyone is always trying to put their best foot forward, or in this case, online. The highlight reel is REAL and the irony is that in most cases, it ain’t that real behind those filtered pictures.
But here’s the thing – the story isn’t over.
I could choose to let that be my story. I could choose to be the victim of yet another bad church story or another failed friendship. I could choose to believe that I’m not worthy of real friends or think I’m a failure of a human. I could choose to let the circumstances that have happened to me dictate how I go on living my life.
BUT I WON’T!
I REFUSE!
If there’s ANYTHING that this last year has taught me is that I AM WORTHY. I AM LOVABLE. I AM A GOOD FRIEND, WIFE, MOM, DAUGHTER, SISTER, AUNT, ETC.
I get to choose how this next chapter goes.
Will I let the hurt and crappy situations that life dealt me in 2019 affect 2020? HELL NO!
What I will do is let those circumstances PUSH me forward, forcing me to find a NEW way. New friends. New church community. New focus on my family.
I refuse to play the victim any longer. Kind of like Taylor Swift’s transformation from her Reputation album to her Lover album – she’s worked out her demons. She’s silenced her critics. She’s pushed past the haters and now it’s just pastel coloured rainbows and butterflies. And it’s beautiful.
You see, we all have a choice my friends – how are you going to let the shitty things of life affect you – will you let it silence you? Or will you let it transform you into someone beautiful?! I am choosing the latter.
I recently watched Casey Niestat’s newest vlog called “What Just Happened”? where he talks about walking that line between focusing too much on the past, dreaming too much about the future and not looking enough at the NOW. It really struck me – every time someone asked me how I’m doing I ALWAYS led from a victim stance. Why do I do that? Why am I allowing those circumstances to define me or my family negatively?
2020 is the year I say NO MORE.
2020 is the year I decide enough is enough.
2020 is the year where I’m going to PUSH – push past the crap, push past the victimhood, push past hurt, push past the constantly analyzing of what certain people did or how certain situations played out they way the did. I’m just going to PUSH.
That is my word for 2020 – PUSH.
It may seem like an odd word, but the more I kept thinking about how I ended 2019, the more I realized how much this word made sense.
And it goes beyond just friendships and job loss – I’m pushing for everything this year.
I’m pushing myself to deal with my weight and health issues. I’ve ALWAYS had excuses and things to blame. No more.
I’m pushing myself to be more disciplined when it comes to my work schedule – to focus more during work hours and put it away during family hours to spend more time with the family.
Speaking of family, I’m pushing myself to focus more on the kids and spending quality time with them. My daughter is turning 10 this year and I can hardly handle the fact that 10 years has flown by and time is only ramping up. I don’t want to miss out on things because I’m too busy licking my wounds from 2019.
I’m pushing myself in every aspect – my marriage, my finances, my mental health – no longer will excuses be my go to. It’s time that I show up and PUSH through the hard things, because no one else will do it for me. And I know that life WILL get better to more I PUSH THROUGH IT.
Will it be easy? Nope. Will I struggle? You bet. Will I fail? Absolutely. But I’m putting this word and this focus on here to keep me accountable.
I lived with A LOT of mediocrity, angst and heartbreak in 2019. I’m ready to flourish. I’m ready to be set free of that shit. I’m ready to PUSH and to see what’s on the other side!
And I hope you are too! Let’s show up for our lives in 2020. Let’s drop the comparison, let’s drop the act and heavy filters, and let’s work through the things that have been holding us back and PUSH ourselves to be the BEST versions we can possibly be!
2020, let’s do this!
Love & Blessings,
Christine
