IMG_7554It’s just over one week into the New Year! What is it about each changing year that make us want to reflect back on the past year, to set goals and resolve to be better people? This year, New Years Day fell on a Thursday. It really was just a regular weekday. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of that week were all normal, filled with the regular hustle and bustle. And then we woke up Thursday morning and all of a sudden, everything seemed new. Like a fresh start. A clean slate. A time to write down our resolutions and dream of all the things that could-be in our lives for this new year. The New Year, is a big deal.

I’m just like everyone else on this planet…I make resolutions every year. Many of them are similar year after year: have more fun, spend more time with God, loose weight, etc. I do my best to keep them, but as the year goes on, life gets busy and somewhere along the way, some resolutions become a distant memory. 

IMG_7571But this year. This year feels different. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve just come out of the two toughest and most transitional years of my life. 2013 was a year where I went from one of the highest highs I had had in my career, to being dealt one of the lowest blows, professionally speaking. I was devastated. I was heartbroken. I was angry. I put on a brave face, but that didn’t change the true state of my heart. Confused. Bitter. Lost. But as I learned, God’s peace is bigger then I could ever imagine and even though I didn’t receive all the answers, there came a contentedness in the unknown. As the year finished out, the tears started to dry up and some of that joy that was lost, was restored.

IMG_7560

With the start of 2014, there seemed to be much more promise in store. We knew we were moving to Toronto, which excited both my husband and I tremendously. We were also expecting our third child, who we had just found out was a boy! But along with promise and excitement, came a lot of transition. We moved twice in 4 months. That was made extra crazy by the fact that I was not only in my 3rd trimester, but I had also been diagnosed with a gestational disease called Cholestasis. In short, its an illness that affects your liver and can be fatal for the unborn baby. So add a pile of stress to that already crazy situation, including weekly visits to the hospital and OBGYN to have ultrasounds, fetal monitoring and constant bloodwork to make sure my bile levels weren’t crazy, plus managing a 2 and 3 year old, with no family in town…it was nuts! I was induced 3 weeks early to avoid potential complications from the cholestasis, which resulted in an emergency c-section. Add to that, our newborn son Jude, was born with pneumonia and ended up spending 14 days in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. That felt like the toughest two weeks of my life and caused a few more complications in my health. God was faithful, as He always is, and two weeks after Jude came out of the hospital, we moved into our brand new home! 

The rest of the year continued to be a mix of excitement of discovering new places and making new friends to severe loneliness and confusion in trying to figure out my new role as stay-at-home mom (after 10 years in the work force, we decided with 3 kids under 4, I had to be home for a season). Add in my 4 year old daughter going to Junior Kindergarten for the first time and I was just a sobbing mess most days. I quickly recognized that there was something not totally right with me and went to see my doctor. While I wasn’t shocked by what he said, it was still shocking to hear that I had been diagnosed with postpartum depression. (I will do a future post sharing more details about my diagnosis, how it happened, how I sought help and how I got better). So the end of 2014 was trying to finally find my bearings. To get mentally healthy and to get back to myself. 

IMG_7540

Needless to say, 2013 and 2014 were tough years. Lots of tears. Many sleepless nights, much anxiety, lots of sadness. One of the things I found triggered many of these “low” moments for me was cruising social media sites. Everyone seemed to be living the BEST life, except for me. Funny thing is, people who didn’t know I was dealing with PPD, thought that based on my Instagram account, my life was perfect! I can remember laughing when a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile said that. Am I just like some other people in only posting the best things? Am I putting off an image that isn’t a true reflection of what’s actually going on in my life? But how do I even share about these feelings I’m having? I don’t want to be a downer…people don’t really want to see depressing status updates or pictures of what I really look like without my game face on. These were constant areas of struggle for me. 

IMG_7577One of the things I found hardest to see/read were posts about “living each moment like it’s your last!” I remember every time I would see someone post something along those lines of live your best life now, my heart would start to race. My palms would get clammy. I would get so anxious, worrying about the need to make each and every single moment count. Do you know how exhausting that is, especially with three little kids?! The generation that we live in is the now generation…and I’ll admit it, I fall for it too. We need to do and see and experience everything NOW! Because who knows if we will get a second chance. “Today is all we are promised, so don’t waste it.” Do you feel the crazy pressure to live up to that? Cause I sure do. And honestly, I think that’s what made me fall even further into my depression was knowing that I wasn’t living each moment like it was my last. That many moments of many of my days were spent laying in bed, having zero energy to do much of anything besides make sure my kids were fed and alive by the time their dad came home. 

IMG_7575So now finally feeling back to my normal self again, you can see now why 2015 feels different already! I feel like I’ve fought my fair share of battles over the past two years and I’m ready to fearlessly and courageously take on this year with joy, excitement and much anticipation! And so my resolution is not to live every moment like it’s my last, because that’s not realistic. I resolve rather, to simply be present in more moments. To enjoy those precious, little moments. To not worry if every single moment is “Instagram-worthy.” To put the phone away more and to sit on the floor with my daughter and play barbie dolls. To color and paint and craft and celebrate the brilliant creativity God has given my children. To be carefree and have more dance parties. To find absolute pleasure in building my son’s Thomas the Train track for the hundredth time and playing engines with him. If we don’t leave the house all day and stay in our pyjamas while playing with toys and watching movies, that’s ok too. I’m not missing moments, I’m living in those precious moments. I’m not missing “my best life”…this IS my best life. These are the best moments, the most cherished moments.

And that’s one of my resolutions for 2015. I hope you can find more of those moments to cherish in your everyday too! Happy New Year to you, my friend!

Love & Blessings,

CMartin-Sign

 

 

P.S. What are some of your resolutions? Maybe we can help each other keep them. Leave it in the comments below! 

 

Share this:

16 Comments on A New Year, A New Resolution

  1. Erin
    January 9, 2015 at 11:30 am (3 years ago)

    Oh sooooooo good. The end was my favourite! About realizing your aren’t missing your best moments but living them while u do those seemingly “normal” activities at home with your kids etc. That IS the precious stuff! Love your heartfelt transparency in this. Beautiful first post xo ❤️

    Reply
    • Christine
      January 9, 2015 at 4:23 pm (3 years ago)

      Thanks Erin! I wanted to kick off this blog with people know exactly where I’m at! So I’m glad it resonated with you and others! xox!

      Reply
  2. Jo-Anne
    January 9, 2015 at 12:44 pm (3 years ago)

    WOW – I am so proud to call you daughter, friend and mother of my grandchildren. Although, this was a hard read, emotional for me because I know what you walked through, my tears have turned into those of joy. Love you sweet girl

    Reply
    • Christine
      January 9, 2015 at 4:24 pm (3 years ago)

      Awe! Thank you so much mom! Thanks for always being there for me and believing in me! God has been so good, blessing me with an incredible family like you! xox!

      Reply
  3. Lisa
    January 9, 2015 at 1:23 pm (3 years ago)

    Love that you are sharing like this and a blog like this one is a perfect format for it. Because like you said some other social media formats might not seem like the appropriate place to share things like ppd or whatever it may be and feel like “a downer” , plus how do you put some of those things In a picture ?

    I would have never known you suffered from depression because of how exceptionally you put a party together or how awesome and fun your kids look or how beautiful your home is.
    You’re vulnerabilty however In sharing here helps people relate to you and be encouraged too.
    We hide too much (maybe more so as Christians ) as to not bring anyone down or appear as though we are not relying on God…..but the opposite is true people need people and God brings us through these things to help relate and briing others through them too.
    So big

    Reply
    • Christine
      January 9, 2015 at 4:27 pm (3 years ago)

      Totally true Lisa! That was always a struggle for me, especially my 9 years of pastoring…being too transparent because I felt I was expected to be a certain way. So I definitely learned to put up those walls and hide abit, which I hated. So once I started recovering from PPD…I knew that I needed to start sharing my story…because I know I’m not the only one out there! Thanks for following along! I’m loving getting to know you through the extension of Julie and Todd and now here on social media! Blessings! xox!

      Reply
  4. Margaret Anne
    January 9, 2015 at 1:33 pm (3 years ago)

    I can totally relate to much of this, and thanks for this awesome and encouraging blog post!! I love having a new blog to read 🙂

    Reply
    • Christine
      January 9, 2015 at 4:28 pm (3 years ago)

      Yay! Thanks Margaret for following along! Glad you were encouraged! xox!

      Reply
  5. Christina
    January 9, 2015 at 2:07 pm (3 years ago)

    I hear ya!!! I feel like God is teaching me to be content with moments. It also helps that I am so sleep deprived that all I want to do is stay home and play with the kids and nap. Lol. Cheers to a new year and to faith that whatever God brings our way, He is in control, He is faithful, and He is enough. Xoxo

    Reply
    • Christine
      January 9, 2015 at 4:29 pm (3 years ago)

      Good word, Christina! Love you and can’t wait to see you soon! xox!

      Reply
  6. Danielle Savage
    January 9, 2015 at 2:18 pm (3 years ago)

    Wow!!!!! I feel you, Christine!!! I feel different about 2015 too.

    My resolutions for 2015???? Hmmm……
    1. More time with God and journaling;
    2. Enjoy more time with my kids, even at the expense of an organized home, dishes or laundry needing to be done;
    3. Enjoy more time with my hubby – lately, we’ve both been working so hard, that we haven’t had much time for each other.
    4. Make time for me, too – to exercise, read, etc.
    5. Not be less technology dependent (does that make sense?)

    Thanks for listening!!! God bless!!!

    Love this journey that you’re on now!!! Good for you!!!!

    Reply
    • Christine
      January 9, 2015 at 4:31 pm (3 years ago)

      Love it Danielle! Thanks for sharing your resolutions! I think it’s so good when we put them out for others to hear and lay claim of them! Many of mine are similar to yours! 2015 baby!!! It’s gonna be good! thanks for the encouragement! xox!

      Reply
  7. Evelyn
    January 9, 2015 at 8:07 pm (3 years ago)

    So happy to read this Christine! Not because of all you had to grow through, but because of where you are now and because of that convo we had a few months back…. You are where you should be. And I’m happy to follow along on your journey. xoxo

    Reply
    • Christine
      January 10, 2015 at 1:17 am (3 years ago)

      Thanks so much Evelyn! Love having you around again and will miss you tomorrow! xox!

      Reply
  8. Suzie
    January 10, 2015 at 2:26 pm (3 years ago)

    Hey Christine!
    Love how vulnerable you are with your audience. Its funny how we think we are the only ones going through things when we all feel that way at some point in our life. You have a beautiful home, kids and a great husband.

    We get so caught up on what everyone else is doing we forget how important our story is and that its suppose to be written differently. Thanks for sharing that!

    I personally don’t do resolutions (because they NEVER get done), but I am going to keep you accountable for yours :).

    xoxo

    Reply
    • Christine
      January 10, 2015 at 4:20 pm (3 years ago)

      Sounds good! Thanks for the encouragement! And thanks for being part of my journey! xox!

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comment *